How To Be.

I have spent so much time lately figuring out how to make more money, how to create more freedom in my life, how to share my gifts, how to be more creative, how to the list goes on.

I spend hours during my baby’s nap or when she goes to sleep just looking for courses, ebooks, youtube videos, content that will tell me what I should do next. Where I should go.

Essentially, who I should be.

I scroll Instagram, Facebook groups, email lists (cough cough) looking for what? I don’t even know anymore. I’ve realized that in the searching for who I am to become, I have lost who I already am. I have lost me.

I think back to when I was a kid and I had one singular goal: to be an actress. It’s all I wanted in life and it was the hardest thing for me to achieve. Mostly, because I realized that I didn’t actually love everything that goes into acting. I more so loved the idea of it. The celebrity around it. The potential.

You see, I’m someone who spends hours researching the right product or thing just because I love the anticipation of a new idea. When something new enters my brain, I get so excited to explore the possibilities. I can’t sleep, and I can hardly eat. I just spend hours thinking, dreaming, uncovering.

I love that feeling. I am addicted to that feeling.

So much so that when I go to put my idea into action, the feeling falls short. I say, “Oh. The doing isn’t as fun as the hoping, so maybe that means it’s not for me.” and I wait until the fresh new idea pops into my head and move on to the next.

Maybe it’s the manifesting generator in me, maybe it’s just who I am. Or maybe there’s some unconscious experience taking place. If I really look within, I see fear there. Of not measuring up. I think my fear of not succeeding, of being seen as stupid or irresponsible or unworthy, makes me start something but have a very tough time sticking to it. And sure, I’ve stuck with things in my life. Many things. But they usually aren’t the ones I truly loved deep down. They were obligations like a college degree, breastfeeding (I loved feeding my child but hated the experience), a certain way of eating (hi veganism and pro-metabolic), a job that I liked but didn’t love.

Those things are easy for me to stick with because I don’t actually have any skin in the game. I can’t look stupid if I don’t try. And so I give up, I move on, I say, “I’ve got another better idea and it’s going to be great.”

God, the amount of courses bought, of energy spent, of hours of videos watched, just to learn the basics of something before moving on to something else.

I spent a year in yoga teacher training only to not finish the last two projects and not actually get my certification. I spent years studying transcendental meditation but don’t do it now. I’ve invested thousands into businesses I loved at the time then came to hate and shut down. I’ve built websites I never sent traffic to. I started projects that never saw the light of day.

And sure, I guess that’s part of being a creative person. There’s lots you have to try and fail at, but I don’t feel like I ever really tried. Not really.

I digress. This has turned into a word vomit epiphany session no one probably even cares about. But my point? I am a creative who loves to create but is scared to follow through.

I need a masterclass in how to be. Not how to do this thing that will make me money or how to live this way that says I’m supposed to.

But how to just be.

Me.

Exactly as I am. And maybe from that place, I’ll be able to create and see it out in the world. Because at the end of the day all I want, more than anything else, is to be able to tell that 15-year-old version of me that I did something she would be proud of. I made something of myself. I shared my heart on a platter and people saw it. I made them feel something.

I think that’s all she ever wanted anyway.