The Highs and The Lows

What Taylor Swift & my Grandpa are teaching me about life...

TW: I’m talking about death & the dying process.

I’ve been really proud of myself for staying so consistent with Substack, and I truly believe it’s because I love the platform and writing so much. But, I also believe in taking breaks when they are needed and always, always, putting my own mental health first.

Last week was interesting, to say the least. Back in November, my friend Leah and I spent upwards of 8 hours securing tickets to see Taylor Swift. We reveled in our teenagehood and brought ourselves back to the days of high school, and we couldn’t wait to have the experience in person at her Era’s Tour. If you’re cringing right now, I kind of am at myself too, but hey, just being honest.

The concert was this past Sunday and it was magical in every way. We almost didn’t think she was going on, because there were thunderstorms and lightning keeping the stadium shut until well past 10 pm. But at 10:05, she gave us the performance of a lifetime, in the pouring rain, until almost 2 am. We danced and sang along with my sister, my mom, and our friend Lindsey. I think for me and Leah, Taylor Swift’s music is so special to us because it was our avenue into music ourselves. I learned how to play guitar by watching where Taylor would put her fingers on live performances on YouTube (right after YouTube first came out). I transitioned from writing in my journal to writing songs because of the way Taylor’s lyrics and melodies made me feel. Leah, my sister Hannah, and I started a band in high school and recorded an EP, and all of that came from the seed that Taylor’s music planted in us. I did a two-year program at Berklee College of Music and received a Master’s Certificate in Songwriting. I learned how to express myself through music and art, and a huge part of that is thanks to Taylor Swift.

So standing there, with my childhood friends and family, singing along to the songs we used to cry to, made it one of the highlights of my life. It was a special moment and one I’ll cherish forever.

Then, the next morning my sister, mom, and I got in a rental car and drove two hours to my grandparent’s house in North Alabama where my grandfather, or Abuelo as I call him (he’s Puerto Rican), is in a nursing home in the process of dying.

Almost as soon as we walked in, he started crying and we were able to comfort him and be with him that afternoon. It broke my heart to see him so defeated and so close to the end, but I also felt this deep honor that the three of us were there to support him as best we could. I’m not sure how much longer we will have with him, but I certainly don’t want him to be in pain anymore. We’ve spent the last few days crying, mourning, and sharing memories of him and his wild antics. While it can be beautiful to be with someone who is nearing the end, it is also incredibly taxing and felt very much like a low, because it’s not how my Abuelo wants to go out. I know that. I always thought the end of his life would be quick and probably while he was swimming in the ocean or on one of his many adventures. This long, drawn-out process is very different from what I know he had envisioned for himself. Death is funny that way.

I recently heard someone say that we typically die how we were born. I’m not sure if there’s any merit to that, but I asked my mom if she knew what Abuelo’s birth was like. She immediately said, “Oh it was hard. He was breech. It was a very long and painful labor for his mom.” Interesting, I thought.

This whole experience has also made me think about the concept of death and life. I listened to Rachel Brathen’s Podcast about her experience going from vegan back to eating meat, and she said something that really resonated with me. She said (and I’m paraphrasing here), “I was trying to bypass suffering. But death is a natural part of life that we can’t escape from.” This really spoke to me because I spent many, many years of my life trying to bypass any form of suffering or being uncomfortable. I think that sitting with that pain is the only true way to move through it, and understanding that there is this circle of life that we are all going to go through that makes this lived experience here on Earth.

On a personal level, I believe in past lives. I believe in other dimensions where our souls go, and I think we can create our own version of heaven or hell here on Earth. When we are grateful and find joy in the small things, we create a utopia in our lives. When we’re miserable and living in the past or future, not partaking in the present, we create our own living hell. All we have now is this moment, and it’s our choice what we do with it.

There are highs and there are lows… and I’ve experienced both this week. I am grateful for both, and I am moving through my feelings of both. It’s a hard balance to walk, but one I continue to get up with and try again. I am living in my full feelings of a very well-lived life because there wouldn’t be sadness if I wasn’t also experiencing great joy. I have a lot of people I love and who love me, and it makes saying goodbye so damn hard.

So, that’s where I’ve been, and I plan on being back to regular programming again next week. Sending you all my love, for whatever you’re going through in your own world, and thank you for honoring mine by reading this. Xx