The Messy Middle.

What happens when we release those motherly expectations and become exactly who we are meant to be?

I’m naturally a glass half empty kind of person.

I really hate to admit that, and it’s definitely not something I’m proud of. But when there’s a change in my life, my anxiety builds, and I expect something bad to happen first. I think I’ve gotten better at it over the years, but it’s still very much there. I read an interview with Jason Segel last week where he said, “I wake up and have to work a little harder to get to zero, and then I push it a little past.” I relate to this completely.

So, when I got pregnant, I assumed it would be hard mentally. Like really hard.

I thought I would struggle every day and experience postpartum mental illness. I just expected it to happen, as my mental health has been up and down my whole life. And thankfully, I didn’t. I had a beautifully relaxed pregnancy and felt better than ever mentally (I still took my antidepressants religiously every day throughout pregnancy and postpartum, so I’m sure that helped too). When my daughter was born, I only experienced one or two days of crying for ‘no reason’.

And with this rare time of clarity for me, I learned something about expectations.

Since then, I’ve had some tough days but I’ve always been able to track it back to the same thing. The days where I have an expectation for how I want it to go, or how I want my daughter to behave, are when nothing goes my way and it feels like my world is caving in.

But, on those days when I embrace where we are, and have no intended expectations for what lies ahead, I feel so much more comfortable and confident in motherhood and where the day takes us. It’s become this simple mindset shift that’s been truly transformative in my life.

I can’t help but wonder how many times I could have lessened a depressive episode or panic attack just by reframing my thoughts. Of course, it’s easy to say that now in hindsight, as a 29-year-old who has a much bigger toolbox of support, than that 22-year-old did. I do believe I have a chemical imbalance in my brain and something as simple as thought changes can’t really fix that, but I think I could have alleviated past suffering some by not being so damn hard on myself. There’s this messy imperfection that comes with being a mother, especially when you’re scrolling on Instagram and seeing other moms’ highlight reels. They don’t show their kid having a meltdown in the middle of Target, refusing to nap, or watching way too much tv. But those are all things we collectively go through on a daily basis.

Having a child has taught me that the messy middle is actually the magically mundane (get it? 😉) and when I take a step back to really be in the moment rather than looking over the moment and what I want out of it, I find the true joy of being a mom, a woman, and a human. I think one of the bravest things we can do is say no to how we are conditioned in this world to live, and to choose another way. I know as my little one grows, new experiences will pop up every day that I’m challenged by, but I hope I can return to that feeling of presence I have now and really root into it even in the hard moments.

It makes me wonder what kind of world we could live in if we all stepped into who we are and stopped trying to live based on who others want us to be. What might happen if we quit trying so damn hard to be perfect parents, and stop putting those expectations on our kids as well? What if, instead of striving towards something, we turned inward and realized that who we want to be is here now, in the midst of living? What might happen if we embraced the chaos around us as a beautiful part of what makes our family a family, and that the imperfection is what makes our kid’s childhood so magical?

What if.

I challenge you to just try it. Next time you’re rushing to get the kids dressed for school, or trying to run errands on a rainy day, or someone is having a meltdown in public (hey, it could be you), stop.

Take a deep breath.

Look around and see that nothing else matters at this moment than how you are connecting to who you want to be, and how that reflects on your child’s own experience too. And when we release that expectation for, “I want this to go this way” and embrace exactly where we are, we find that we’ve almost missed out on that extra hug our oldest gave before hopping in the car, or the way the rain hits against the clouds and makes a rainbow, or when you lock eyes with a fellow mom who just gets it, and you know that this too shall pass.

Because that’s the truth. It’s all going to pass, in the blink of an eye, and before we know it they’ll be wiping our butts and taking us on their errands. So buckle up and enjoy the ride called life. It’s going by so fast, and it’s our job to slow it down and relish in it for all that it is. Exactly as it should be.