Yes, I feel so much for all the toddler mamas out there, now that I am a few years past that stage. Looking back, I see how the app that shall not be named is perfectly designed to suck you in when you’re at your most vulnerable: exhausted, brain-dead, surrounded by tiny heathens who do what tiny heathens do, sometimes making you wonder if you’re doing parenting all wrong. I hate that for us. That stupid app seems like a nice, easy way to kill a little time when the littles are quiet but mama is too fried to be productive. And instead it makes them feel bad about their lives! Grrr. Anyway, thanks for writing this. Enjoy the chaos and big love! 💗
Yes!! It really does suck you in and is super sneaky about it. At first it's like, oh this person is so inspiring or oh it's so fun to watch this person and then next thing I know I can't get off of it and am comparing myself constantly. Definitely learning where my own boundaries are with social media and how to move through that. I love that you're on the other side of it now. It's so beautiful to see so much growth and change in little ones, but man is this period intense.
This last paragraph is everything! Gosh I had no idea there were accounts like this… I stopped following interiors for a similar reason a few years back. All in all I don’t think the photo sharing app is a happy place unless there are funny dogs in my feed. I love to see photos but it’s become overly aspirational, curated and manipulating in its messages… better to see it for me like an online art gallery and a place of inspiration and education I think… a few years back when the matching Christmas pjs thing hit the uk they sold out everywhere and I was just like cute but whatever… then someone I know staged a picture and shared it across socials and I know her life is far from that happy picture and it made me so sad. Of course take the picture, share it if you like but I could see what was motivating those actions was something else, something more complicated, something pulling her to close the gap on what she was being fed as real and what was actually real. Food for thought in how we wake up to conscious use hey? I should definitely not be re reading this before bed but my kids would not sleep and so I’m hanging onto the threads of self before my eyes grow too heavy. My youngest has been so poorly and has regressed a little through the night and needs lots of reassurances and clean sheets so into that space I go. Good night to all us amazing mothers doing motherhood. ✨💫🤍✨💫
Oh yes, there needs to be so many funny dogs!! 😂 I think I need to go through my account and do a big purge since these people are triggering me currently. Or at least mute them until I'm feeling a bit better about it all.
That's so fascinating about the Christmas PJ thing, what an eye-opening experience that everyone portrays themselves as someone online that they might not actually be in person. I just can't show up on something as anything other than myself, so that's why I've struggled so show up there at all lately since I just haven't really felt up for it.
I'm sorry sweet Luna has been so sick. The lack of sleep is so incredibly hard, hope you've been able to fill your cup a bit too. Sending you so much love!
Yes and you know once I start with the unfollowers or the mutes I can’t stop and I’m like oh yes that’s better! Permission to shift and change hey? Creative nourishment and please know you are doing such a wonderful job with your sweet girl… Luna was happy just going to a garden centre today and for coffee and I didn’t photo any of it. Happiness is always an internal job and that’s what she wanted to do on her day off school. 😆💗
Yesss! I need to take some time to just go through it and unfollow/mute.
Thank you so much, Claire. Aww that's so beautiful. Maverick just loves being outside with me, wherever we are (though she detests her car seat so I avoid anything that involves leaving the neighborhood hahaha). So glad you and Luna had a beautiful photoless day!
I can’t tell you how many times a day I have to remind myself of the same things! Parenting is hard enough without a filtered social media comparison. Thank you for sharing your transparent and vulnerable thoughts about this. We aren’t alone in the inner monologue we tell ourselves.
Sweet strong attachment is a wonderfu thing. Your daughter loves you and trusts you, and everything else is extra. The most organic, cleanest environment filled with appropriately stimulating objects and experiences are worderful, but without a safe consistent attachment those physical surroundings will not make an emotionally strong and cognitively healthy child. Congratulations!
I hear your struggles. I remember those struggles. My son emerged into a new era of digital life when "smart" everything and "apps" for everything was just beginning. Parents were navigating unknown territory with toddlers and devices. Now we know so much more but they are still going to grow up around it all. My son spent many hours on tablets, my phone and watching TV. And then we also spent many hours going to parks, museums, zoos, the pool, creeks, trails and playing in the yard. Now he is 14yrs old and he has made me so proud to be his mom in so many ways. His interests go far and wide. He has goals and ambitions, and he has fortitude. I made many mistakes as a mom and i still do.
Hang in there. Toddler years were so very trying. Just the fact that you spend your days together bonding is so healthy. You are so blessed.
There are many ways to do this life. Love is the most important way. ♥️
That makes me feel so much better, Jess. Thank you, truly. I feel like we are very similar, we have a lot of tv time but we also try to get out a bunch and do fun stuff too, hopefully she will have a lot of varied experiences and views on the world because of this. I also always think about how we had giant boxes of VHS tapes growing up and watched movies constantly, and I feel like my sister and I turned out great hahah it's definitely helpful to keep it all in perspective. Thank you so much for your comment!
The only social media I use is Twitter (will always call it that, never X) and when I see a mom doing something on there that makes me feel guilt, such as you described, I've shifted my thinking into..."how is it possible to add a variation of this into our lives?"
1- it has to be a variation because we are not them and our schedule, lives, landscape etc is not the same.
2- if I can't add a variation, it at least planted a seed for down the road when maybe I am able to work on adding different things into our schedule!
3- Social media is awful when it comes to how people feel about themselves and their parenting (my personal opinion and one reason why I got off) but even if you don't have it, you talk to other parents and you get that same kind of feeling sometimes. It's unavoidable. So shifting your thought process around it is helpful!
Everyone I think, goes through this at one point or another & we all want what's best for our beautiful babies. The very fact that you think you may not be doing enough sometimes, is proof you care about and put your little one first!
Ahhh this is SO good, thank you!! Adding variations is such a powerful way to reframe it for me. And it definitely happens in real life too, I think it's just so hard to not compare ourselves and our experience, but I'm working on it for sure. Thank you so much for this, truly.
A perfect example is everyone cooking sourdough -- I always think, wow it would be so nice to have home cooked bread at home for my family. But I just cannot find it in me to do it. It's like keeping another life alive & I have 3 kids under 7 and 2 dogs. Aint no way!!!!🤣
I so relate to falling down that spiral-thought-trap, and feeling like all our food is terrible, the house is full of toxins and I need to buy chickens NOW. It's one of the (many) reasons I got off Instagram and my life is so much better for it!
One thing that helped me was to start looking for what they were selling -- there was almost always something, whether it was essential oils or brand partnerships. Not that selling things through online work is intrinsically bad or anything, but it was helpful for me to see that as part of the context of "digital motherhood." And to remember, as you said, that they just aren't sharing all of their reality online. That nobody does.
Ahh yes, you are so right. At the end of the day they are curating a brand and that's their job, which is great for them, but definitely gets me down that spiral. I love that you listened to yourself and got off of it. I've been trying to trade scrolling time for books and it's been super helpful for me mentally. Thank you for this, Bess!
Oh I feel all of this, even past the toddler years, I felt this again recenlty, and removed myself from *that* app...and other things as well, even reading on here unless it was from people who I could fully take in. We need to have those healthy boundries, I know in various times of my motherhood I created isues for myself (mentally) by falling into that comparison trap and all it did was rob me of everything that was right in front of me. Everyone needs to do things their own way of course, but I do recommend when we are feeling that burnout, depressed feelings creep in to really evalute how we are spending our time online and in what we are consuming! So happy you disconnected from it and enjoyed the present, it truly is not easy in our times...but needs to happen so we can fully enjoy our lives! It is the only I have found that I am more creative and actually slow down in my life!
Oh wow, yes, when you said, "all it did was rob me of everything that was right in front of me," that's exactly how I feel too. And I know it, logically, when I'm "in it" but my brain just goes to that comparison game so quickly, it's hard to not get sucked in. I think I need a big ole break and purge digitally, as the depressing feelings have been creeping in lately too. Thank you for this reminder!
It helps to just do the detox from it and then you can figure out how you want to come back into it! I am def still figuring it out from when I started late last fall, it is a process! But I see changes mentally (and changes in our family) when I set the firm boundries and allow very little in! Supporting you mama! you got this!
This is true! The title was well said. And what a great way to beat the digital gods at their own game by going to the park and enjoying your family in the non-digital world 🌻 thanks for sharing
So beautifully said! We are all doing the best we can, with what we have, and in the moment that we are gifted! My kiddos are older, but the toddler years are amazing … not all organic and perfect and clean, but the some of the messier parenting moments with toddlers are the ones that I love and remember the most. My favorite picture of my youngest is one from preschool when I didn’t even know it was picture day…i felt horrible that she wasn’t perfectly dressed with the perfectly thought out hairstyle for her thick blonde hair, but in the end, her personality and smile stole my heart and i absolutely love the picture! I guess we all need to keep a really (REALLY!) good sense of humor when it comes to parenting toddlers!!! Xoxo, ellen
Aww I love that story!! It really is magical what unfolds when I stop trying to control our experience, and just live it, messy and all. SO much humor!!! Hahah thank you for this, Ellen.
Toddlerhood is so tough! Ours is 19 months and the tantrums are real and I think very very normal. Having a better understanding of developmental milestones has helped me keep it in perspective and not take it so personally. It would be weird if he wasn’t throwing fits or struggling to assert his personal opinions!
Honestly, I mostly just let him run around the house while I try to clean or cook or go about my day. We go on daily walks and spend as much time outside as possible but mostly he does his own thing or he’s my little sidekick, chasing the dog around the house with the egg beater or climbing on furniture or saying hi to all the cars and puppies he sees through the window.
I wonder ALL the time if I should be doing more or having more structured activities with him or taking him on more adventures, etc. But—his little laughter and putter patter feet echoing through the house offer reassurance that he’s doing more than ok.
Yes! I feel the same way, Maverick just runs around and chases the dog while we do our daily rhythms. 😂 The tantrums are definitely intense, but you're right, remembering that they are a normal part of her development is so important too. Thank you so much!
I had to leave Instagram for all the comparison I started to do, but like you said, my son chose me. We have a beautiful life and he is happy and healthy. He has so many experiences and I want to love the mother I am, instead I think I should be something different and better. I’m a great mom and you are too. And as I say out loud all day, toddlers are going to toddler, it’s all developmentally normal and it will change!
I am feeling like I definitely need a break from it, at least. Yes, I feel the same way! They chose us because we are perfect for them, and that's what matters most.
Shame in parenting is so real and challenging. This story is a beautiful reminder of the importance of tuning into the little beings in front of us, in their beauty and messiness, and doing our best day by day to let them know they are loved and worthy.
"Their babies chose them, and mine chose me. And in the end, that’s all that matters." Yes! Beautiful!
I think all of us know that app-that-shall-not-be-named paints an inaccurate picture and generally drains us more than energizes us, yet we all keep returning to it! I have no idea why - I do the same! Whenever I take breaks, I am instantly more in tune with my own thoughts and ideas. I've been loving replacing the time on that app with reading work on Substack instead, like this.
Thanks for sharing your words that resonate all too well!
Yes, Cassie!! I'm the same. I don't even really ever post on it anymore but I still get so sucked into watching stories every day. Definitely working on it and trying to stay with long-form content like here on Substack or YouTube, or just reading. I always feel better when I'm reading. Haha
Yes, I feel so much for all the toddler mamas out there, now that I am a few years past that stage. Looking back, I see how the app that shall not be named is perfectly designed to suck you in when you’re at your most vulnerable: exhausted, brain-dead, surrounded by tiny heathens who do what tiny heathens do, sometimes making you wonder if you’re doing parenting all wrong. I hate that for us. That stupid app seems like a nice, easy way to kill a little time when the littles are quiet but mama is too fried to be productive. And instead it makes them feel bad about their lives! Grrr. Anyway, thanks for writing this. Enjoy the chaos and big love! 💗
Yes!! It really does suck you in and is super sneaky about it. At first it's like, oh this person is so inspiring or oh it's so fun to watch this person and then next thing I know I can't get off of it and am comparing myself constantly. Definitely learning where my own boundaries are with social media and how to move through that. I love that you're on the other side of it now. It's so beautiful to see so much growth and change in little ones, but man is this period intense.
This last paragraph is everything! Gosh I had no idea there were accounts like this… I stopped following interiors for a similar reason a few years back. All in all I don’t think the photo sharing app is a happy place unless there are funny dogs in my feed. I love to see photos but it’s become overly aspirational, curated and manipulating in its messages… better to see it for me like an online art gallery and a place of inspiration and education I think… a few years back when the matching Christmas pjs thing hit the uk they sold out everywhere and I was just like cute but whatever… then someone I know staged a picture and shared it across socials and I know her life is far from that happy picture and it made me so sad. Of course take the picture, share it if you like but I could see what was motivating those actions was something else, something more complicated, something pulling her to close the gap on what she was being fed as real and what was actually real. Food for thought in how we wake up to conscious use hey? I should definitely not be re reading this before bed but my kids would not sleep and so I’m hanging onto the threads of self before my eyes grow too heavy. My youngest has been so poorly and has regressed a little through the night and needs lots of reassurances and clean sheets so into that space I go. Good night to all us amazing mothers doing motherhood. ✨💫🤍✨💫
Oh yes, there needs to be so many funny dogs!! 😂 I think I need to go through my account and do a big purge since these people are triggering me currently. Or at least mute them until I'm feeling a bit better about it all.
That's so fascinating about the Christmas PJ thing, what an eye-opening experience that everyone portrays themselves as someone online that they might not actually be in person. I just can't show up on something as anything other than myself, so that's why I've struggled so show up there at all lately since I just haven't really felt up for it.
I'm sorry sweet Luna has been so sick. The lack of sleep is so incredibly hard, hope you've been able to fill your cup a bit too. Sending you so much love!
Yes and you know once I start with the unfollowers or the mutes I can’t stop and I’m like oh yes that’s better! Permission to shift and change hey? Creative nourishment and please know you are doing such a wonderful job with your sweet girl… Luna was happy just going to a garden centre today and for coffee and I didn’t photo any of it. Happiness is always an internal job and that’s what she wanted to do on her day off school. 😆💗
Yesss! I need to take some time to just go through it and unfollow/mute.
Thank you so much, Claire. Aww that's so beautiful. Maverick just loves being outside with me, wherever we are (though she detests her car seat so I avoid anything that involves leaving the neighborhood hahaha). So glad you and Luna had a beautiful photoless day!
I can’t tell you how many times a day I have to remind myself of the same things! Parenting is hard enough without a filtered social media comparison. Thank you for sharing your transparent and vulnerable thoughts about this. We aren’t alone in the inner monologue we tell ourselves.
Ah I'm sorry you feel that way, but am also grateful to know I'm not alone in it. Thank you so much.
Time for young moms to unite and embrace the imperfect!! Ha ha! And you are so right, parenting is hard!
Sweet strong attachment is a wonderfu thing. Your daughter loves you and trusts you, and everything else is extra. The most organic, cleanest environment filled with appropriately stimulating objects and experiences are worderful, but without a safe consistent attachment those physical surroundings will not make an emotionally strong and cognitively healthy child. Congratulations!
You are so right!! Thank you!!
Your transparency is refreshing.
I hear your struggles. I remember those struggles. My son emerged into a new era of digital life when "smart" everything and "apps" for everything was just beginning. Parents were navigating unknown territory with toddlers and devices. Now we know so much more but they are still going to grow up around it all. My son spent many hours on tablets, my phone and watching TV. And then we also spent many hours going to parks, museums, zoos, the pool, creeks, trails and playing in the yard. Now he is 14yrs old and he has made me so proud to be his mom in so many ways. His interests go far and wide. He has goals and ambitions, and he has fortitude. I made many mistakes as a mom and i still do.
Hang in there. Toddler years were so very trying. Just the fact that you spend your days together bonding is so healthy. You are so blessed.
There are many ways to do this life. Love is the most important way. ♥️
That makes me feel so much better, Jess. Thank you, truly. I feel like we are very similar, we have a lot of tv time but we also try to get out a bunch and do fun stuff too, hopefully she will have a lot of varied experiences and views on the world because of this. I also always think about how we had giant boxes of VHS tapes growing up and watched movies constantly, and I feel like my sister and I turned out great hahah it's definitely helpful to keep it all in perspective. Thank you so much for your comment!
The only social media I use is Twitter (will always call it that, never X) and when I see a mom doing something on there that makes me feel guilt, such as you described, I've shifted my thinking into..."how is it possible to add a variation of this into our lives?"
1- it has to be a variation because we are not them and our schedule, lives, landscape etc is not the same.
2- if I can't add a variation, it at least planted a seed for down the road when maybe I am able to work on adding different things into our schedule!
3- Social media is awful when it comes to how people feel about themselves and their parenting (my personal opinion and one reason why I got off) but even if you don't have it, you talk to other parents and you get that same kind of feeling sometimes. It's unavoidable. So shifting your thought process around it is helpful!
Everyone I think, goes through this at one point or another & we all want what's best for our beautiful babies. The very fact that you think you may not be doing enough sometimes, is proof you care about and put your little one first!
Ahhh this is SO good, thank you!! Adding variations is such a powerful way to reframe it for me. And it definitely happens in real life too, I think it's just so hard to not compare ourselves and our experience, but I'm working on it for sure. Thank you so much for this, truly.
A perfect example is everyone cooking sourdough -- I always think, wow it would be so nice to have home cooked bread at home for my family. But I just cannot find it in me to do it. It's like keeping another life alive & I have 3 kids under 7 and 2 dogs. Aint no way!!!!🤣
Yes!! My poor sourdough starter died when I was pregnant and I just kept saying, I can't grow both of these at once 😂
I so relate to falling down that spiral-thought-trap, and feeling like all our food is terrible, the house is full of toxins and I need to buy chickens NOW. It's one of the (many) reasons I got off Instagram and my life is so much better for it!
One thing that helped me was to start looking for what they were selling -- there was almost always something, whether it was essential oils or brand partnerships. Not that selling things through online work is intrinsically bad or anything, but it was helpful for me to see that as part of the context of "digital motherhood." And to remember, as you said, that they just aren't sharing all of their reality online. That nobody does.
The chickens are TOO REAL. 😂😂 I love it.
Ahh yes, you are so right. At the end of the day they are curating a brand and that's their job, which is great for them, but definitely gets me down that spiral. I love that you listened to yourself and got off of it. I've been trying to trade scrolling time for books and it's been super helpful for me mentally. Thank you for this, Bess!
Oh I feel all of this, even past the toddler years, I felt this again recenlty, and removed myself from *that* app...and other things as well, even reading on here unless it was from people who I could fully take in. We need to have those healthy boundries, I know in various times of my motherhood I created isues for myself (mentally) by falling into that comparison trap and all it did was rob me of everything that was right in front of me. Everyone needs to do things their own way of course, but I do recommend when we are feeling that burnout, depressed feelings creep in to really evalute how we are spending our time online and in what we are consuming! So happy you disconnected from it and enjoyed the present, it truly is not easy in our times...but needs to happen so we can fully enjoy our lives! It is the only I have found that I am more creative and actually slow down in my life!
Oh wow, yes, when you said, "all it did was rob me of everything that was right in front of me," that's exactly how I feel too. And I know it, logically, when I'm "in it" but my brain just goes to that comparison game so quickly, it's hard to not get sucked in. I think I need a big ole break and purge digitally, as the depressing feelings have been creeping in lately too. Thank you for this reminder!
It helps to just do the detox from it and then you can figure out how you want to come back into it! I am def still figuring it out from when I started late last fall, it is a process! But I see changes mentally (and changes in our family) when I set the firm boundries and allow very little in! Supporting you mama! you got this!
This is true! The title was well said. And what a great way to beat the digital gods at their own game by going to the park and enjoying your family in the non-digital world 🌻 thanks for sharing
Thank you so much, Anna! I feel like going outside is always the answer when we're feeling off about something!
So beautifully said! We are all doing the best we can, with what we have, and in the moment that we are gifted! My kiddos are older, but the toddler years are amazing … not all organic and perfect and clean, but the some of the messier parenting moments with toddlers are the ones that I love and remember the most. My favorite picture of my youngest is one from preschool when I didn’t even know it was picture day…i felt horrible that she wasn’t perfectly dressed with the perfectly thought out hairstyle for her thick blonde hair, but in the end, her personality and smile stole my heart and i absolutely love the picture! I guess we all need to keep a really (REALLY!) good sense of humor when it comes to parenting toddlers!!! Xoxo, ellen
Aww I love that story!! It really is magical what unfolds when I stop trying to control our experience, and just live it, messy and all. SO much humor!!! Hahah thank you for this, Ellen.
Toddlerhood is so tough! Ours is 19 months and the tantrums are real and I think very very normal. Having a better understanding of developmental milestones has helped me keep it in perspective and not take it so personally. It would be weird if he wasn’t throwing fits or struggling to assert his personal opinions!
Honestly, I mostly just let him run around the house while I try to clean or cook or go about my day. We go on daily walks and spend as much time outside as possible but mostly he does his own thing or he’s my little sidekick, chasing the dog around the house with the egg beater or climbing on furniture or saying hi to all the cars and puppies he sees through the window.
I wonder ALL the time if I should be doing more or having more structured activities with him or taking him on more adventures, etc. But—his little laughter and putter patter feet echoing through the house offer reassurance that he’s doing more than ok.
Yes! I feel the same way, Maverick just runs around and chases the dog while we do our daily rhythms. 😂 The tantrums are definitely intense, but you're right, remembering that they are a normal part of her development is so important too. Thank you so much!
You're doing an incredible job, Hunter ❤️
Thank you so much, Kate!
I had to leave Instagram for all the comparison I started to do, but like you said, my son chose me. We have a beautiful life and he is happy and healthy. He has so many experiences and I want to love the mother I am, instead I think I should be something different and better. I’m a great mom and you are too. And as I say out loud all day, toddlers are going to toddler, it’s all developmentally normal and it will change!
I am feeling like I definitely need a break from it, at least. Yes, I feel the same way! They chose us because we are perfect for them, and that's what matters most.
I love your perspective shifts here. The online world is always only a pinch of peoples lives and we’re all just doing our absolute best 💫
Thank you, Jenna. You're so right!
Shame in parenting is so real and challenging. This story is a beautiful reminder of the importance of tuning into the little beings in front of us, in their beauty and messiness, and doing our best day by day to let them know they are loved and worthy.
Thank you for sharing your heart here ♥️
Thank you so much, Aleesha. You are right, just taking it day by day and focusing on the beauty in front of us.
"Their babies chose them, and mine chose me. And in the end, that’s all that matters." Yes! Beautiful!
I think all of us know that app-that-shall-not-be-named paints an inaccurate picture and generally drains us more than energizes us, yet we all keep returning to it! I have no idea why - I do the same! Whenever I take breaks, I am instantly more in tune with my own thoughts and ideas. I've been loving replacing the time on that app with reading work on Substack instead, like this.
Thanks for sharing your words that resonate all too well!
Yes, Cassie!! I'm the same. I don't even really ever post on it anymore but I still get so sucked into watching stories every day. Definitely working on it and trying to stay with long-form content like here on Substack or YouTube, or just reading. I always feel better when I'm reading. Haha
Thank you so much for your comment!