The Juggle

Re-entering the world after the postpartum period, and finding the balance (or lack there of) hard to bear.

Hi there! I’m Hunter. I’m a mother of a two-year-old daughter, married to my British husband, and we live in Northwest Florida along the beautiful white, sandy beaches. I share about sacred & slow living as well as my own personal journey in being a mother and a creative. Make sure to subscribe to have my posts delivered directly to your inbox. I’m so glad you’re here.

For the first two years of being a mother, it felt easy.

Sure, I didn’t sleep very much (and still don’t) and I focused entirely on my child, but the ‘rearing her’ part felt simple. Now that she’s growing and changing and her needs are getting bigger, it feels like life is happening so fast. Not only is she progressing, but I’m also expected to officially leave the “postpartum” world and return to the life of a fully functioning, working, woman who is now also a mother. Gone are the days when I can say, “Oh I’m a new mom” to excuse anything and everything. And hello to the real world, of life as a parent. I have responsibilities and commitments, and honestly feel like most days I’m barely keeping my head above water.

There is this crushing weight put on me to deliver again, in my work and in my life, while also having this insanely busy schedule of mothering. We wake up, we eat breakfast, we play, we go on a long walk, she naps and I try to cram every single thing into a two-hour time period, she wakes up and we’re back to playing, then there’s dinner and bath time and bed and I’m so exhausted I can hardly keep my own eyes open long enough to wash my face, brush my teeth, and crawl in next to her. Then there’s the guilt in those moments when she’s awake and I have to get more work done, so I can’t devote my entire attention to her.

It’s a balancing act that constantly is unbalanced. I feel like I’m juggling all these glass plates and doing my best not to let one fall, but every day one does and I’m left to clean up the broken pieces.

Then you add in all the extras. The time with people you love, the fact that we’ve been dealing with some really hard health crises’ in our family that require all hands on deck at all times, when seasonal work is picking up, and the weather is getting nicer so we want to be outside more.

It’s easy to feel like you’re drowning, I believe, when you become a mother and also have to stay a functioning member of society.

It’s all so much. And it’s hard. But then I remember that it’s all a choice.

That while I have to work to bring in an income for our family, it’s (mostly) work I absolutely love and makes me feel whole. While I want to give my daughter the world, I have the privilege of being with her so much and seeing life through her eyes as she’s rapidly growing. I am honored that I get to help care for my family member in a time of deep need, and that I’m someone they get to rely on.

My choice isn’t in what I’m doing or not doing, but my choice is in finding the sacred magic behind it all. I recognize that there are seasons where life is hard and shit hits the fan, but there are still moments of immense joy and fulfillment.

I’m currently working on taking the guilt off my plate. On ending that intense comparison game in my head of if I’m being a good enough mother, or wife, or daughter, or friend. And just doing me. Focusing on what makes us feel good each day, and doing what we need to get by. Some days it’s 10 hours outside and a meal cooked from scratch while I answer emails intermittently on my phone. On other days, it’s many hours of TV while playing with the same toys we’ve owned forever, and me at the dining room table working away on my computer, and dino chicken nuggets for dinner.

God, I used to feel so much guilt in that (and still do if I let myself sit with it for too long). But lately, I’ve been trying to just trust that this is a season. And that this one season doesn’t make up our entire lives. It’s only a small part of it.

My husband came in the other day and announced, “We’re going to Disney World!”

We have annual passes that are running out in March and I’ve been itching to go once more before they do. But life has been happening, and the timing just didn’t line up. I had let it go, and then he surprised us by telling me we were going for a few days.

So I will pause this life, for a moment. And remember that that’s exactly what life is about. No, it’s not all Disney World and magic, but it’s about finding those tiny crevices of light even amidst the darkness. It’s about remembering to dream when those daily responsibilities feel like they’re going to swallow you up.

I think that’s one of the biggest lessons that becoming a mother has taught me. It’s to remember how short and fleeting these years are, and while they may only be a season, they still add up to become a part of life. I want my daughter to remember her parents making memories with her, no matter how big or small, and to know that I did all I could to be the best person I could be. But to also remember that life now is different, I’ll always be dropping the ball in some way or another, and that’s okay too.

It’s a juggle, this thing called life. I hope I can still figure out how to live it well.